Thinking Of You
by rejectdemon
Summary: Formerly called "Sentimental Memories". Paige is off to Banting and finds an old video of her and Alex. No, its not dirty. another Palex oneshot. please R


**I've just been a Palex oneshot machine lately havn't I? Hehe I hope you like. Sorry in advance if the whole 'Paige watching herself' type dealio is a little confusing. I'm working on a Palex chapter story at the moment as well, but I'm not going to publish it until I know if I'll keep going with it.**

**Please review. I like reviews. They make me feel all fuzzy inside. And a fuzzy-feeling Demon is a writes-alotta-stuff Demon :)  
**

Filled boxes and suitcases stood waiting by my bedroom door. The room that I had spent my whole life in was now nearly bare. The furniture and things I didn't count as necessities, such as last seasons outfits, were of course left behind. There would be no need for them at Banting. I sat on my bed, dismally looking around my room. While I was excited as hell to finally be off to University, there was still that little girl inside me who was equally afraid of leaving home.

There was a knock at my door, which opened before I could answer. My brother popped his head in. "Hey, there you are. Why aren't you loading boxes? I've got a present for you."

I shrugged and sighed. "This is way harder than I thought it would be." He came to sit next to me. There was something in his hand, but I didn't get a good look before he positioned it away from me.

"I'm leaving everything I know, and going to a place I hardly know. Everyone thinks that this is such a great opportunity for me. And I know it is, but what if everything goes wrong? I can't help but be a little scared, Dylan."

He wrapped his arm around me, embracing me in a brotherly bear hug. "I know what you mean. But the main thing is that you can't let the fear your feeling now control you. Sure, things will probably be hard and suck at first, but if you keep your bearings and do what you went there to do, you'll see how much everything improves. Gotta have a good attitude about it all, y'know?"

How my brother is always able to cheer me up, I will never know. "You're definitely Mom and Dad's smart child," I smiled. "And I'm the insanely pretty one."

He leaned away from me, hands on his chest in mock-fury. "You dare to question my prettiness? That, young Paige, stings. Like a canker sore in the ocean. And for that, you get no present."

Dylan stood up, holding whatever he had behind his back. I lunged at him, eager to see what it was. If he wasn't going to give it to me, then it must be something good.

"Ah, ah, ah. We musn't be rude. What, my dear, are the magic words?"

"Lemme see." Another lunge.

He backed away, smiling impishly and was now holding the object high above his head, far from my reach. It looked like some kind of camera.

"Oooooh, is that for me?" I asked, not even attempting to jump. It would be futile, seeing as he must be at least a foot taller than me.

My brother shrugged. "Quite possibly, if you ask me nicely."

I put my hands on my hips, scowling good-naturedly at him. He would give it to me eventually. "Haven't I complimented you enough for one afternoon?" Dylan looked at me like he had never heard of such a concept of too many compliments. I sighed melodramatically. "Oh great and wonderful Dylan, whose good-looks are those of an angels and heart is made of gold, I beg of you that you indulge one as lowly as myself with the great wonders that you bestow." I said flatly.

"I'm glad you agree." He said, smiling, giving me my reward for my humbleness.

It _was_ a camera, a camcorder in fact. One of those smaller ones that you can sometimes fit in your pocket. I turned it around in my hands, examining it. It didn't seem broken or anything. While I fiddled with my new toy, Dylan grabbed two of my boxes and turned to leave.

"I got a new one a while ago and haven't used it in ages. Figured you might find it handy in documenting the college experience. Which means you totally edit whatever video you take there before showing it to Mom and Dad. They'd both have strokes if they really knew went on at University these days."

I shouted my thanks to him as he went down the stairs. I knew this camera. I'd, ahem, _borrowed_ it from Dylan many times over the years, and remember taping fake Real World submissions whenever I was exceptionally bored. Sitting down on my bed again, I pressed 'record' and pointed it towards my face. I sighed.

"Well, I'm off to Banting today," I told the camera, the tiny red light blinking indifferently. "I'm so nervous. But, I'm going to take Dylans' advice and not let everything get to me. I'm just gonna focus on my studies so I can get my degree and move on with my life. Wish me luck." I smiled at the lens and ended the recording.

Damn, now how do you play it back? I thought, not remembering how. I couldn't even remember the last time I had used it. So I began pressing buttons, a tactic I used on anything, or anyone, that didn't work the way I wanted. Somehow I managed to get a video playing, but it wasn't the one I had just recorded. Startled, I watched the new video, eager to see what it was of.

The person taking the video was in a park, I could tell. It was one of those flawless sunny days, blue sky and not a cloud in sight. There were trees and bushes scattered throughout the scene, with a road just beyond that. Cars were zooming by, and people were walking or sitting in the distance. The only sound was that of kids laughing and hollering somewhere out of frame. The hand holding the camera was unsteady. Then the picture changed as the director found something else to film.

Me.

Sitting in the shade beneath a giant oak tree. My purse and a short stack of books were beside me. I was wearing a pink tank top and tight jeans, my bare feet wriggling in the grass. There was a book open on my lap and I was staring down intently at it, my hair obscuring most of my face. I was obviously unaware that I had just become film subject.

My heart lurched as I watched the scene. I knew what this was. How could I have forgotten that this was on here? I could've sworn I'd deleted it. I wondered if Dylan had known about it, had watched it. It had been taken about a month before school ended. We were enjoying the perfect weather. Enjoying each others company. Just enjoying us...

Camera still aimed at me, the director chuckled. The sound resonated pleasantly in my ears. God, her laugh. Smooth and silky, like milk chocolate. I had forgotten what it sounded like. Unable to look away, yet not wanting to watch, I stared down at the tiny screen in silence. VideoPaige still hadn't responded.

"You are so cute when you're being all bookwormy," Alex told me. I look up from my book, startled to see the camcorder aimed at me.

"Where'd you get that from?" I ask, brushing the hair out of my face. Then I scowl. "Hey, isn't that my brother's?"

"Maaaybe," she responds playfully. I get larger on the screen as Alex scootches closer to me. I flinch away from her.

"Alex! You seriously did _not_ steal from my family. Are you really that big of an idiot?" The camera focuses on my face, and the anger is blatant on my features.

"Actually, I thought I just stole it from you, seeing as I found it in your desk," she says without missing a beat. Then she sighs, seeing that I'm still mad. "Oh, come on. If I was really gonna steal it, I wouldn't have it out right now. It would be hidden somewhere on my person and you would never know. I just thought it would be fun to document our little outing today. So whenever your glum you can look back at it and think ''wow, I have such an amazing girlfriend.' Which will of course cheer you right up.''

VideoPaige smirked, once again forgiving Alex for her blunder in respect for someones personal property. I never could stay mad at her for long. I continued to watch the screen, my face devoid of emotion, willing Alex to somehow cheer me up now. Like she used to do.

The frame lowered, and I watched, becoming embarrassed, as Alex zoomed the camera in on my chest. Quickly realizing this, VideoPaige laughs.

"You're zoomed in to my boobs, aren't you?" The picture darts back up to my now way too close face, then zooms out.

"Yes, yes, I was. I am not gonna lie." She replies gleefully. I laugh again.

"Why are you all the way over there?" I ask her, pushing away the forgotten books and patting the grass next to me. "You can get a much better view of them if you're sitting with me."

Wasting no time, the camera moves as she snuggles close to me, resting her head on my shoulder. For the first time in the video, and for the first time in months, I see Alex, the corners of her mouth lifted into her signature crooked smile. A smile that still had the ability to make my heart beat faster. I wanted so much then to pause the video so I could just stare at her, the face that I found I missed more than anything. But I stopped myself, letting the show go on.

I turn my head slightly so I can look at her, love and happiness flooded in my eyes. Out of frame, I knew our fingers were intertwined. That was the only place I had ever wanted to be. The world could be destroyed in an instant, I wouldn't so much as blink as long as Alex and I were together. But that was back then, in a world that felt like a lifetime ago. I was older now, a different, more mature person who'd grown out of Alex...right?

I point my eyes back to the camera lens, which must have been inches from my face. I stick my tongue at it and cross my eyes oh so attractively, giggling. "Gimme that for a sec," I say to it, meaning the words for her. For once, she doesn't argue. The picture rattles as the camera changes hands. When I finally have it steady, I have it pointed at Alex, focused close so that only her smiling face showed. Her dark, smoldering eyes bored through the camera, and I try not to melt as I had then...

"Say hello to your fans." I tell her. "And say it in your squeaky voice."

She chuckles. "What fans?"

I tut. "You have tons of fans, me being your number one." Her grin grows wider.

"Wanna make a sex tape?" She asks, half serious.

I laugh again, like I always do when I'm around her. Even when she's being crude with a mind full of smut, she always had a way of being the most charming person I know.

"Jeez, we're in a public park, Alex. Please try to control yourself."

She sighs dramatically. "I'll try, as difficult as it may be."

Alex takes the camera back and returns the frame so that it showed both of us again, slightly off center and from below. I look at her as she softly kisses my neck. Damn, that girl only seemed to have one thing on her mind most days. But the thing is, I usually did too. Holding her face with my hand, I bring my lips down on hers. It lasts only a few seconds, and when she tries to intensify it I pull back reluctantly. I lean so only our foreheads touch and sigh.

"With my luck, somebody is going to find this video, and by someone, I mean my mother and father," I say sourly. "Turn off the recording and erase it."

She scoffs, moving her face away from mine and out of shot. "I think not. If you just went ahead and told them about us, we wouldn't have anything to worry about. It would be such a load off your mind. And besides, your parents already have a gay son that they accept so I seriously doubt that they would give you any shit about us." I frown. Her points were valid, I knew that then and I know it now. But my pride was too great to admit to her that I was really just too big a coward to have that particular conversation with my parents.

"It's not that easy. I can't just walk up to them and out of the blue tell them that I've been seeing you. They wouldn't understand. It would give them the biggest shock of their lives." The words have a defensive edge to them, more so than I remember intending.

Alex says nothing, but I know she looks away, dejected. She had always thought I was ashamed of her, ashamed of our relationship, when it came to talk about telling my parents. That was never the case, but still I realized I never corrected her.

Only VideoPaige can see the forlorn expression on her beautiful face, and it tortures her. It tortures me. I sigh and look at the camera.

"Fine. Gimme the camera again." I reach for it and the picture jerks away as Alex tries to keep the camera out of my grasp.

"No, you're just gonna take it away and ruin my fun."

"'Em not. Come on Sexy Lexi, give it." Sexy Lexi. I had forgotten about that pet name I had given her. The entire shot is indiscernible as I wrestle the camera away from my girlfriend. The angle is wider now as I turn it back on me and pull Alex in the shot. She has one eyebrow raised, having no idea what I was up to.

"Okay, this is a video message for you, Mom and Dad," I groan as VideoPaige continues. "Even though I know I will probably never show you this, I figure I outta practice actually telling you what it is I need to say." The tiny me on screen takes a deep breath. My arm is around Alex and she's smirking.

"I love Alex, Alex being the girl right here. She means alot to me, so I thought I owed it to both of you to tell you the truth." I make a face, contemplating how to go on. "I'm not saying I'm gay, because that's not really the case. I'm just.... Hell, I don't even know. All I do know that I really, _really_ care about her, that I our feelings for each other are stronger than that of just friends, and that I..."

I pause midsentence, breaking off what I was about to say. Thinking back, I try to remember what it was I was about to confess, but to no avail.

"That I love her." I repeat. By now, Alex is grinning from ear to ear. She kisses me on the cheek.

"And I love Paige."

We're both smiling now. She knows I'll probably never tell my parents if I can avoid it, but still enjoys the gesture of me spouting this via video. The shot shuffles blurrily again, then shows a close up of the grass before the recording finally ends and the picture turns blue.

A tiny drop of something lands on the small blank screen. I touch my face. I'm crying.

Dammit. I hadn't given Alex any serious thought in weeks now. Out of sight, out of mind, I was beginning to get over her. As long as I wasn't reminded of the good times we had together, my heart was able to start the healing process. So of course, after watching this stupid video, I was feeling like crap again. Ugh!

As if on cue to see me crying over my ex, Dylan stepped in my room again. "These boxes are so not gonna load them- Paige, what's wrong?"

I closed the screen and looked at my brother. "Did you know this video was on here?" My voice was soft, and I felt that it might crack at any moment.

"What video?" He asked. But by the way he started fidgeting and his eyes darted away from mine, I knew Dylan knew exactly what I was talking about.

"Why would you give this to me and leave that video of me and Alex on there?" I demanded, rising to my feet and walking over to him. I shoved the camcorder to his chest, pushing him back a few inches. He looked guilty, and I was glad of it. I was perfectly ready to go off to Banting and start my new life without worrying about Alex. Now I wasn't even sure what I felt.

"I'm sorry, Paige," He said defensively. "I only watched it once. I forgot about it, even though it was probably the cutest thing I've ever seen." I punched him in the arm, and Dylan actually flinched. Serves him right for reminding me how cute we used to be, how cute Alex was...is...no, shut up brain, quit saying stuff like that. "If I'd remembered that it was on there, I would've deleted it. Maybe. I'm sorry."

I sighed. I tried to rein in my emotions. I didn't want my brother to fully see how much that video had shaken me. "Whatever, Dylan. It doesn't matter anyway. I was just surprised, that's all." I grabbed one of my boxes. "Are we going to load these or what? Banting waits for no man, or woman, so I hear."

He arched an eyebrow, not entirely convinced that I was fine. I just smiled and started moving past him. "Please, can we just finish this up? I just want to get away from here, okay?" He smiled back weakly and nodded.

Dylan, my parents and I made quick work of loading the vehicle, due in part to me not talking much. Before I knew it, we were on the road. There wasn't much room with all my crap, so Dylan vouched to stay behind. He gave me a hug. "Everything's gonna be fine," he said softly in my ear. I smiled and waved to him as we pulled out of the driveway. We weren't even out of town and my mom was already starting to tear up.

I continued my silence as we drove, my dad at the wheel. My thoughts inadvertently turned to Alex. Why had I freaked so much after seeing that video? I was feeling more and more pathetic for thinking about my ex so much. I mean, I still cared about her tons and hoped that we'd still be friends, but this shouldn't be as big a deal as I'm making it.

And the more I thought about her, the more I wondered where we would be if she hadn't broken up with me. Would we be trying to make it work long distance? Would I have been somehow able to convince her to come with me to Banting? I wish we really lived in a world where all we needed was love. Because even though I love- _loved_ (emphasis on the past tense...right?) her, we couldn't be together.

Then I remembered. What I had been about to add to my little ''mom, dad, I'm sorta a lesbian but not really'' speech. I sat up straight in my seat, then slumped down again, disenchanted. My mother glanced at me but didn't ask what's wrong, which I was glad for.

_"I love Alex, Alex being the girl right here. She means alot to me, so I thought I owed it to both you and her to tell you the truth. I'm not saying I'm gay, because that's not really the case. I'm just.... Hell, I don't even know. All I do know that I really, __really_ care about her, that I our feelings for each other are stronger than that of just friends, and that I want to be with her forever."

That's what I wanted to say. I'm not sure if I really had wanted to be with her forever, or if it was just part of the teen love experience. I'd never told Alex anything as frighteningly serious as that. Saying you wanted to be with someone forever was pretty big, even if you didn't mean it. And even though it might not have been true, I did know I still wanted her in my life. Because more than anything, Alex was a good friend, and those I know are in short supplies these days.

And as long as she's in my life, that'll be enough. Then I'll be able to know if she's happy or not, to still be in her presence that really was illuminating, and maybe, just maybe, see her smile aimed at me one more time. Because if anything, happiness is the one thing Alex deserves, even if it's not with me.

So I'll go to school, work hard, then come back home. Visit her...as friends. Things might have changed by then, or they might not.

But as I continued to drive away from her and everyone I cared about, I couldn't help but hope that the saying is true. That distance does in fact make the heart grow fonder, although it's hard to say how fond our hearts should be.


End file.
